“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability…To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
Madeleine L’Engle
I wrote a book. It’s not published yet but it’s written. Whew.
I called the first attempt the “Barf Draft” because each day my writing process coupled a passion to help others with nervous tension about whether or not the book would be worth a darn. Aaaaaand each day included spewing it all out anyway.
Currently, I’m editing the book. I call this phase the “Read and Bleed” stage because I use a red pen to mark where I can improve the content. (I’ll leave the fine-toothed comb editing for an English Major who is excited about monetizing her need to correct grammar and punctuation.) Like the “Barf Draft,” this stage of the book feels simultaneously exciting and painful.
One day I’ll read and bleed love all over the place – little hearts for the parts I feel are particularly poignant or the note to italicize some pearl of wisdom I don’t want overlooked.
The next day I read it and all I can see is regurgitated “stuff” people have known for ages and has been written about ad nauseum since the beginning of pen and paper.
The fact of the matter is – both of those things are true. I realize that no matter how much I edit, add, remove or rewrite there will always be bits that resonate with me and bits that fall flat. It will happen that way for my readers too. I also realize that I have a choice about whether or not I move forward with the book … or not.
Writing this book is an exercise in vulnerability. It’s practice at being human that puts the lessons directly in front of me in a very tangible and material way. I wrote a book. It sucks AND it’s awesome. This book and the process is also a direct reflection of me. Sometimes I suck AND sometimes I’m awesome.
Guess what? Sometimes you suck. Sometimes you’re awesome. There are times you think you suck and others think you’re awesome (and vice versa). Simultaneous existence in the “suck” and the “awesome” is the very nature of being human and it is a beautiful classroom for self-acceptance because it gives us the practice we need to embrace the whole of ourselves (our Selves) and our journeys.
The experience of living our lives (like the experience of writing and editing this book) is a combination of thrill and terror.
When we embark on a journey that is important to us we get a holistic reflection in order to make a choice:
- Do we maintain what we’ve always done or
- Do we grow ourselves into something different.
That’s it. That’s all it has to mean.
It is the exercise in vulnerability (whatever that exercise might be for you) that gives you the opportunity to understand yourself more deeply.
Embrace the exercise. Embrace the vulnerability. Know that you’ll sometimes suck and also that you’ll sometimes be awesome, because it is in that Suck-to-Awesome spectrum of being human that you’ll find a truth about yourself and make a conscious choice for your future.
Are you working with me in March? I sure hope so!! Sign up here…
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