I saw a retweet on twitter the the other day from a literary agent that reprimanded newbie queriers for apologizing for their inexperience at querying and then gave the old “fake it ’til you make it” advice…all in caps.
My first thought was, “well, you sure missed an opportunity to practice grace.” Then this whole scenario played out in my head about the agent who gets frustrated by the same message all the time and the writer who is just trying to figure things out.
I’m not that agent. My inbox isn’t filled with the same apology energy over and over again. I don’t have to wade through the first paragraph of self-deprecation to get to the point. So I can’t pretend to know what she feels and I’m not here to criticize her in particular.
But I do have something to say about this age old advice. It sucks.
The person who goes into a job interview pretending to know things he doesn’t know is setting himself up for failure when the time comes to use those skills. Yes, he can learn them but how is he going to do that when he’s supposed to already know them? He can’t go to someone else and ask for help because he’s already billed himself as the expert. Maybe he can delegate but at some point he’s going to have to exercise some kind of authority in the matter and if he doesn’t have a full grasp on the situation and people are trusting that he does then he’s setting everyone up for failure. Not to mention, the self-proclaimed ‘expert’ now lives in fear of being called out as a fraud so he’s defensive of anyone who might question him even if all they want to do is help him. Trust me, I COACH those people who have built inauthentic lives and they’re defensive, suspicious, guarded and miserable.
But if he goes in knowing exactly what he’s good at and is willing to admit to a learning curve and a team that includes people who have the skills he doesn’t then he’s either building trust with the people who hire him and able to do the job he promised or he’s walking away from a job that will only bring misery to both sides of the table. In which case he cannot lose by being honest.
Same is true of a romantic relationship, a friendship, or any situation where you’re going to rely on others to be part of your life experience.
There are times when I kind of get the “fake it ’til you make it” advice. When you’re doing something bold and you want to squash some nerves you can use confident body language to change your own emotions and psychology in the moment. You can leave out the apology energy when you explain your deficits and play up your honest position as a strength, “I’ve been a writer my whole life I’m excited to be submitting my first queries ever and I look forward to improving in all areas of my writing career.” But for the most part, fake it ’til you make it is the blueprint for your own, personal house of cards.
There will always be people like that agent who are annoyed by the honesty but if that’s how they view authenticity how great will your relationship be with them? What if all they’re doing with you is faking it until they’re making it and you’re trusting them to be the expert?
Personally, I will always be as open and honest about my shortcomings as I will be about my strengths because I want to be in the power position of being able to ask questions, improve myself and include people in my circle who offer what I don’t. I will also always choose to work with that person who is honest with me in return. That honest beginning pours the foundation that will see us through the good times and the bad. There an immeasurable amount of strength in those who choose to make themselves vulnerable.
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Great post, Triffany…
In the past year I’ve been noticing more and more the value of genuine transparency in business and in life. Not very many people have it ALL figured out… I believe that we are all on a never-ending journey of self-improvement. And, others appreciate it when they meet someone who can be honest with themselves and others about where they are, where they’re going, and how to get there. One of the most powerful things you can do to build rapport, strengthen relationships, and become more conversational is to confide is someone else (or even a group of people!).
The next time you’re having a meeting, think of something that you want to tell that person (or group) that you wouldn’t normally tell… Then, after you open up, watch what happens!
Exactly!! Everything kind of becomes a thrill ride when you show up authentic and present at every turn. And, I think you’re right. More people are realizing the benefits of being open and honest at every level. Thank goodness!! 😉
I saw another criticism of this adage the other day and it has stuck with me, so I’ll use this prompt for a reply. I first understood this phrase through my mother who successfully went through AA 24 years ago. For her, fake it till you make it was something that kept her sober on days when it was very hard, early on. I don’t view that as dishonest, I view it as coping. So, I think you’re right, it has its place and can enable positive outcomes in certain circumstances. I am a consultant and don’t believe in faking it in the workplace…just wanted to share that personal viewpoint.
That is an excellent point! Context matters, doesn’t it?
And faking it with yourself to get you through a difficult day – especially in something as touch and go as addiction recovery – is a very valuable coping mechanism.
The difference seems to be that when we’re faking it with ourselves we know that it is temporary and that we’re in the process of changing our situation so that faking it is no longer necessary.
I would also add the “act as if…” advice in this category. It really can be useful if you take the energy and feelings associated with the facade you’re temporarily inhabiting it can be a very useful tool in how it changes your stress levels and focus. So…certainly it has it’s place.
Thanks for sharing that perspective. I really appreciate it! 🙂